State Legislators’ Message To Underage
1.) To prevent blood borders, the drinking age in every State has to be
21, because that’s the only integer that is equal to itself.
2.) Drinking alcohol during pregnancy harms the baby, so we impose
Prohibition on men under 21 and not on pregnant women 21 and older.
3.) A tipsy rape victim will be arrested for internal possession if she
calls the police, who are there to protect and serve.
4.) We jail parents who are home supervising your drinking sessions
in order to prevent you from holding such sessions.
5.) A new scientific study published in the New England Journal of
Medicine conclusively establishes that the politicians you voted
against have a right to impose this law on you.
6.) Statistical analysis of historical crash data proves that the United
States of America ought not to be a free country, with liberty and
justice for all, where the citizen decides what to drink, where parents
govern their child who still lives in their house, where the punishment
for drunk driving is meted out to the drunk drivers.
7.) Freeways are more important than freedom, — especially when it’s your
freedom, not ours — so we sold your freedom to get more highway
construction money from Congress, (like a mother selling her daughter
for cocaine money,) and we still expect you to respect this law.
8.) The drinking age saves lives. Of course, we could save a lot more
lives, maybe yours, by doing what it takes to eliminate drunk driving,
but wed have to give up driving drunk ourselves, and that’s
not fair because we can drive better drunk than teenagers can sober.
9.) A combination of driving inexperience and alcohol make you a greater
danger on the road, whether you drive or not, and that gives us the
right to punish you when you drink alcohol, whether you drive or not.
10.) Don’t drive drunk? We can list some other crimes you never commit, as
an excuse to deny liberty to you: murder, rape, assault...
11.) Everybody who drinks under age is immature and irresponsible because
they’re doing something that is illegal, as well it should be, because
they’re so immature and irresponsible.
12.) Liquor corporations have the nerve to advertise their products to
you, and we have more respect for their First Amendment right to free
speech than we have for your God-given right to drink the beverage of
13.) We can’t stop older drunks from freely exercising their right to
practice alcoholism, because they hold too much political power, but
some of them started as teenagers and never had a chance to quit since
then, so we punish you instead.
14.) You shouldn’t destroy your brain while it is only 95 percent
developed. You should wait until it is completely developed and then
destroy it, like we did.
15.) Even though this law is imposed on you by morons who cannot see the
obvious flaws in these absurd arguments, it is embellished with a fancy
seal, and a Governor years ago scribbled his autograph on it, so you
have a sacred duty to obey it.
Translated by Tom
Webmaster, Underage Drinkers Against Drunk Driving